|By Joel Rouse/ Ministry of Defence - https://www.defenceimagery.mod.uk/fotoweb/archives/5000-Current%20News/Archive%20(Navy)/RoyalNavy/2015/March/45158590.jpg, OGL 3, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=39183110|
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your continuing failure to manage yourselves financially: and also, in recent years, your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents: and being therefore clearly unable to govern yourselves: we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (Look up 'revocation' in a dictionary.)
(If necessary, look up ‘dictionary’ in that big word thingy.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister will appoint a Governor for America without need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded immediately. A questionnaire will be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour', ‘favour’, and ‘neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (If necessary, look up ‘vocabulary' in a dictionary.)
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’, 'you know’ and ‘rilly’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as American English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. Instead, Our birthday will be celebrated on a convenient Saturday in June, with strawberries and cream, not rockets.
4. You must learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. (A permit will be required should you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.)
5. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side. At the same time, you will go metric. Roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour. (For help, look up ’metric’ in a dictionary.)
6. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you insist on calling gasoline) of roughly US$10 per gallon. Get used to it.
7. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed with vinegar, not catsup.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
8. Hollywood will henceforth be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
9. You will cease playing American football. There are only two proper kinds of football; 1) the game you call soccer, and 2) rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. (Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.) You will learn cricket, and face the Australians until you understand the real meaning of ‘pitching’.
10. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
11. An inland revenue agent from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the retrieval of all overdue taxes (from 1776).
12. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers (NOT mugs); and with cucumber sandwiches, biscuits (the word “cookies” is henceforth forbidden, as infantile) and/or cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) in season.
God Save the Queen!